Make Me Wanna Holler

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“And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
Romans 5:3-5, KJV

“Well, son, I’ll tell you: Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair. It’s had tacks in it, And splinters,
And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor—Bare. But all the time, I’se been a-climbin’… I’se still climbin’, And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.”
“Mother to Son,” Langston Hughes, 1922

Are y’all familiar with the phrase, “The struggle is real…”? O.M.G. Have I got a story to share this week!

Normally I would begin by apologizing for my tardiness, but I can’t apologize for grief and mourning. The death of Prince really hurt my feelings and no, I didn’t know him personally, but I do get extremely emotional when tragedy befalls my favorite celebrities. I was so stunned by the news, my mind would not rest. I just kept watching the special reports over and over again. I watched Purple Rain twice. We had a Prince music marathon for the entire week! And then just as my heart began to process the loss, I found out that a close classmate of mine had passed away. Now, although I know that death is an inevitable part of life, it just makes me feel some type of way. I mean, I was already in my feelings anyhow before the death of “The Purple One,” and then my Big Homie died a week later! (Sigh) I prayed for the families of both men and had a few “adult” beverages to numb my pain.

I know that only explained two weeks of silence. I know my last post was over a month ago. See, I started this particular piece fully intending to publish ON TIME, and yet, for reasons I still can’t explain, my thoughts, my words just would not come together. I wanted to express my disgust for the countless number of deadbeat parents (yes, Mamas AND Daddys) walking around with children they neither want nor deserve, because I am tired of hearing so many stories about babies being mistreated, neglected and abused. While searching the Bible for a background scripture, I read the story of Abraham and Sarah, two of the oldest parents ever to conceive. Their story struck a nerve in me because I have really been struggling with my own ticking biological clock. I recognize that I am a woman of a particular age and my window of opportunity to have my own baby is slowly coming to a close. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Especially since ALL my girls AND all of my siblings have children of their own.

On top of all that Mother’s day came and went, we had a mini family reunion the following weekend and just the other day, one of my relatives died. My life has literally been an emotional roller-coaster and I can barely process how I feel about everything, let alone write about it. I don’t even know how to pray about all this stuff. I just ask God to give me strength to keep on pushing and not let the Devil get close enough to break me down as I go.

What I’m learning is that in all that I do, no matter what, God is in control. People hook up and break up with each other sometimes, babies are born and relatives die sometimes, but God remains constant throughout every aspect of our lives. If it is His will for something to be done, then it shall be done. Now I see that He will grant my heart’s desires, but only when I have prepared myself to receive His blessing. Sometimes we think we’re ready for the things that we ask of God, and when He gives us what we ask for, we don’t know how to handle the whole blessing.

Hearing stories about abused and neglected children breaks my heart. Seeing kids looking crazy (dirty, cold, hungry, whatever) makes me wanna fight. I don’t understand how people can create another human being, an extension of themselves, and not give everything they have within them to insure the success of that helpless little child. I’ve asked God several times if I missed my chance to bring life into this world, because I was too picky, too cautious. I’m always too deep in my feelings to hear His response. Well, y’all know how I feel about coincidence, right? A few days after I read the story of Abraham and Sarah, I was elated to hear that my childhood idol, Miss Janet Jackson would soon give birth to her very first child at the age of 50! Just last week a 70 year-old elderly couple made headlines throughout the world for having their first child! I feel like God showed me that He can do WHATEVER we want Him to do for us, but not until we get ourselves together. Meaning, I need to keep working on myself and preparing for the blessing He has for me. If He were to bless me with a child anytime soon, I can honestly say that I’m not mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually or financially stable enough to receive such a precious and wonderful gift. I don’t know very many people who can openly admit that revelation about themselves, but I don’t consider myself special because I can.

If this is your first time reading one of my “parables,” you should know that I don’t write what I write to pass judgment on anyone, I just share my thoughts and feelings with the world to let people know that we all go through tough times. We all wish for things other people may have. The struggle is real for EVERYONE. Stay prayed up and do your best to be as GREAT as you can be. God sees you and He will take care of you. Until next time…

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